Francine is Grateful.
This is hardly a good time to start writing. Nonetheless, I’m going to continue as I’ve actually started, which rarely ever happens considering I’m now too afraid to start anything— reading a book, running, taking on more responsibilities or making amends.
It’s been a year since I wrote anything personal— stuff that hit my very core, made sense or was worth the read. But hey, life hasn’t exactly been candy-coated bliss since I’ve been on a writing hiatus.
Truckloads of shit
It didn’t feel great having your heart stolen, and later on broken and trampled on faster than you or your friends can scathingly yell “fluke!” Cutting off people out of your life didn’t feel so great either. Then again, it was a protective mechanism, something which if I hadn’t done, would’ve surely led me to a one-way ticket to the land of La Loca. And sure med school already has all the drama to last anyone’s lifetime, it being this one sick and twisted Big Brother of a social experiment. And while I would’ve tagged along through all that, everything eventually proved itself to be unworthy of all the shit and fuck— because I didn’t deserve all that was said. Behind my back. Ironically, by the same person I thought would actually have it covered.
While I sometimes still go on this dreary defensive state, claiming how all that happened and how I reacted was easy as apple pie, I’m setting the record straight, for all the world and for myself to know— it wasn’t. It absofuckinglutely was not.
But contrary to what I’ve had to learn in as hard a way as possible, the world actually is abound with good people. Real people who give a shit and are worthy of shit— lasting, non-damaging friendships and a sincere love this once cold-hearted self (as I remember being called numerous times by strangers, acquaintances and yes, even well-meaning friends) never thought was possible.
And so I’d like to thank those who’ve been with me through thick and thin, good and bad. You are awesome. It’s exactly people like you who make the bitter taste of beer worth every drop, suffering through long transes and weekly exams bearable, and this life worth every second spent oversleeping procrastinating drinking ‘til sunrise swimming my ass off partying it up being genuinely happy, here on this lovely, lovely world.
Francine Chua is very grateful. :)
Posted by Francine at 11:02 PM
Swoosh Me.
"I forget the last time I felt brave, I just recall insecurity
Cause it came down like a tidal wave and sorrow swept over me
Depression please cut to the chase and cut a long story short
Oh please be done, how much longer can this drama afford to run
Fate looks sharp, severs all my ties and breaks whatever doesn't bend
But sadly then, all my heavy hopes just pull me back down again
It hurts just to wake up whenever you're wearing thin
Alone on the outside
So tired of looking in
The end is uncertain
And I've never been so afraid"
- "Tidal Wave," Owl City
Currently feeling the swoosh, goddamit.
P.S. Dormancy over. Blog back up and running.
Posted by Francine at 11:03 AM
Shameful Atenista
Read up. Still can't believe people like this exist. What a waste.
Tsk, tsk.
Posted by Francine at 11:37 AM
A Pleasant Surprise
Right after getting back at the condo, I turn on my laptop to check my mail. And while I still smell like formalin and rotting human remains- which is, unfortunately, the only "scent" that ever comes naturally to me now that school's started again, I go through my inbox and find a short e-mail from my leadership module facilitator.
"From: Boni Ang
To: Francine Chua
Sent: Tuesday, November 18, 2008 8:32:41 AM
Subject: Re: Journal Entry #6, Chua Mary Francine, 14 September 2008
I liked your sixth journal entry."This got me all huffed up and excited, only to get jolted by the idea that I can't even remember whatever it was I wrote. So I start going through mails in my "Sent" folder for around five minutes and find (taaadaaa!) the much-coveted sixth journal entry. Haha :)
"Leadership Journal #6
'What drives me, moves me to persevere in what I am doing right now in my life? What are these telling me about who I am, what I am becoming, what I want to be now and who I want to be?'
These questions just keep on getting harder and harder each time, don’t they? I’m usually one who gets to say a lot in just a short while, but WOW. The word, “DOOMED,” might as well have written itself across my forehead in big, bold letters and underlined twice for extra emphasis and “oomph.”
I have been going through this over and over in my head for over a week now, and every answer I’ve ever come up with has never seemed quite right. The extremely taxing workload of taking in, memorizing and trying my best to digest all information from that much-dreaded Neuroanatomy Module isn’t helping at all, and neither are those twelve boring (not to mention incredibly long) chapters of Daft I’ve yet to face (and hopefully conquer) for our midterms in management next week.
But then again, I reckon answering this question must be plenty helpful. For somewhere along the line, and most especially amidst all this chaos, we’re all bound to ask ourselves, “What are we doing all this for?” And most importantly, “Is it really worth all this trouble?”
I guess it’s safe to say I’ve made every effort the entire week to arrive at an honest answer. But no, it didn’t happen as planned. I suppose nothing ever worth finding out comes as easy. However, this weekend, and in just the course of a day, everything just “clicked.”
When I got up this morning, I was made known of the terrible news about “the ring.” My mom had it redone, adding more diamonds to it and turning it into this downright ugly piece of jewelry, completely ruining the simplicity I had initially loved about it. And before anyone gets to thinking about how unnaturally affected I seem to be about my mom having one of her own pieces of jewelry redone, let me explain. See, when I was twelve, my mom and I were window shopping when we came across this stunning ring. It had a huge diamond in the middle, but looked simple in every way. I suppose it was “love at first sight” for my mom, for she purchased it then and there. I was never a fan of diamonds, but then she said this, “Paglaki mo, kapag naging doktora ka na, ibibigay ko ‘to sa ‘yo.” And although I had never expressed intentions on becoming a doctor, I started considering the option of a future career in medicine thereon in.
It’s a stupid stupid reason for wanting to pursue a career in medicine, I know. But that was then. And although it may seem irrelevant, I think it to be otherwise. It may have started as this odd “love affair” with a diamond ring, but the important thing is that it got me to consider getting to where I’m still trying to get to now that I’m in medical school, and that is to become a great doctor.
In the afternoon, I then went to the cemetery with my sister to visit our dad, whose birthday’s this week, on the 16th to be exact. And as I put down the flowers we brought him, I take a good look at his tombstone that bears a handsome picture of him. I start talking to him in my head, and I tell him everything that’s been happening with me in school, in the condo and at home. I then tell him, “Sana nandito ka ngayon, Pa. Sana proud ka.”
And then it hits me, I have also been doing this for my dad. I remember how proud I made him when I was on the top of my class, won quiz bees, got to be a medalist in high school and got into UP. And although deciding to be a doctor and going through medical school just to please a parent (especially a deceased one) still doesn’t sound right, I’m not going to deny that it matters. It matters a lot, actually.
At around dinnertime, I’m getting frustrated. Sure, I’ve found two answers, but they were only partially sound and correct. I knew they just weren’t “it.” We had dinner at Hap Chan, and just as we were about to get the check, I grab my wallet and open it up. But lo and behold, there it was. Tucked underneath my nephew’s picture was the “fortune” I got from a fortune cookie in the US about a year ago. I could not believe I completely forgot about it. My luck had changed. I had the answer, and one that I got from a fortune cookie, no less.
A purpose is the eternal condition for
success.
Lucky Numbers 2, 40, 12, 48, 29, 3
I’m here because I believe it to be my purpose. I’m here to serve. I’m here to be a doctor to people who need doctors the most. I’m here to make a difference. And although I think my sole effort won’t eradicate poverty altogether, I will make a difference nonetheless. It may not be the kind of difference that’s on a large and grander scale, but a difference in a single life would make it all worth the while for me.
I think it both sad and funny how that last thing never crossed my mind. I’ve probably said it a million times- what with the corresponding million times I’ve had to defend my decision of coming back to Manila to study and practice medicine here. Initially, and quite predictably, I blame the stress. But I think it all boils down to how I’ve been so used to using just my head in these last couple of months that I’ve completely forgotten to use this fully functional aortic pump in my chest. (Fine, “heart” it is. ☺)
These three reasons, made at different phases in my life, all say something about who I am. I’ve learned I started off materialistic (although I still admire diamonds! ☺), that I love my family and that as I’ve matured in the last couple of years, I’ve found my purpose to be here in the Philippines. I’ve learned that I want to make whatever difference I can possibly make, and that just the littlest ounce of difference in someone’s life would mean the absolute world to me. Lastly, I’ve learned that I am slowly becoming the sort of person who can’t take the idea of being and living without a purpose.
I want to be all that I am capable of becoming."
So there. I'm still sort of shocked and in-denial that I authored something like this at a time when we were all swamped... hell, drowning(!!!) in neurosciences shit. But then again, who knew stressed, completely maxed out people could get oh-so-emo? Haha :p
Posted by Francine at 5:08 PM
Patay Kang Bata Ka
I know it. Heck, it's existed as this mantra I make sure to tell myself everyday since forever. It's been painfully etched in my bones, I can even feel it in my guts.
I know I should not be happy. No, not like this.
But I am.Oh no. What a big, fat, obvious mistake. Quite the disappointment I'm setting myself up for. Shit.
Posted by Francine at 5:25 PM
Mah Homie.
I will admit that in the past couple weeks, I have been such a grumpy ass. I keep trying to figure out whatever it is that's been missing, but now I think I've found it.
I just miss "mah homie," that's all.
...because Mommy's bag was meant to be dragged.
...because Tita Chin-chin needs money.
...because I can do splits!
Tita Chin-chin loves you :)
Posted by Francine at 11:02 PM
Evil, Personified
I've made the horrible mistake of trusting. I've finally been shown how wrong I was, of knowing better and yet, kicking all intuition and (hard as it is to say) common sense to the curb. I've been shown how abso(fucking)lutely wrong I was about "seeing the good in people."
What I stand of losing doesn't mean a lot to me, it never has. But that I've been stupefied and made vulnerable, all as a part of this evil plot... that's just something else.
Some people call me "Evil." Most people don't (and probably never will) understand why. Of course, I've always been quick to deny it... but now she's out again.
I will wreak havoc.
Posted by Francine at 12:33 PM
